May
17

Nursing Homes: A Blessing or a Curse?

by Christine


{Rock Stacks in Maine}

How do you respond when asked if the glass is half empty or half full? The answer to this question is a popular culture personality test. If you respond by declaring it to be half full then you're an optimist and if you say half empty you're a pessimist. Of course with most tests in life, I make them more complicated than others seem to do. My response to this question is more like...well that is an 8 ounce neither so the reality is that you have 4 ounces of liquid. That's neither positive nor negative, it just is. But I understand the test... it is not the question in and of itself; it's your response to that question that allows people to categorize your worldview.

As you can see my worldview is rather practical. I go about ascertaining the reality of a situation and work to come up with the best solution available. I naively believed that as my mother aged, there would always be a "best solution" to her failing health issues. When it came time to discuss the next level of care for her after she suffered multiple strokes, it became clear the best solution was not only illusive but also painful to make. As we started exploring various options, we did tour multiple nursing homes.  Our emotional response to a nursing home was strongly negative and we were trying to avoid that for our mother. I have yet to hear anyone declare they want to move into a nursing home no matter how sunny and bright the facility.

I understand the negative response but it is not the place so much as what it represents. Rarely do people entering a nursing home return to the life they were living prior to the loss of their physical or mental ability. It means moving, it means a transition for the individual and their family. A feeling of failure and despair hit us as we worked to come up with a workable solution that did not include moving mom into a nursing home. But the realities of her diminished physical and mental capacity required that we consider that option. Mom was no longer safe alone at home. Ultimately, Mom did return to her home after leaving the hospital and lived out the last couple of months in her own home. 

Candidly, the reason she was able to return home was because she only lived weeks after her last stay in the hospital. We were spared that end of life decision on behalf of my mother. Our family saw clearly that if my mother had lived longer we would have needed the assistance a nursing home. My mother didn't have enough money for 24-hour care in her home on a long-term bases and the physical and emotional toll of her care on our family had already started to show. Caregiving stress has a real impact on the health of the caregiver and our family was no exception. 

Nursing homes are our society's practical response to caring for the elderly when they themselves or their families can no longer do so safely. As your parents age, you may find that you will need this group arrangements to support you as your parent's mental and physical capacity degrades. Nursing homes, as a solution is not a bad or good solution...it just is. What we rebel against is the fact that being old, I mean really old is messy and complicated and we don't want our parents to suffer that indignity. We don't want them to die. Entering a nursing home signals the beginning of the end and we grieve that end. As you and your family make this decision, be gentle with each other. 

Hugs,
C

 

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May
15

Intentional Living Week Twenty-Three: Cause and Effect

by Christine

"If you want to understand the causes that existed in the past, look at the results as they are manifested in the present. And if you want to understand what results will be manifested in the future, look at the causes that exist in the present." ~Buddhist sutra

Week 22 was about the benefit of doing one thing at a time; in Week 23 I will explore cause and effect and how it relates to living an intentional life. 

After his 6th divorce, Gregg Allman of the Allman Brothers Band wryly said, "I am beginning to think it may be me".  At some point in life, the wise person begins to see that where they are today may have been caused by actions they took in the past. The Law of Cause and Effect simply stated: do a bonehead thing today and it will ruin tomorrow. A more positive interpretation is do good work today and you will reap the rewards tomorrow. In either case, taking action (cause) always nets results (effect). 

Whether we are looking at changing our life or just tweaking it a little, we need to acknowledge that where we are today, was caused by actions we took in the past. If one of your Lifetime Priorities was to be a better friend, it is important to keep in mind how you got to where you are in your friendships today. If you have not been a good friend to others, remember that just because you decided to cleanup your act and treat others with kindness and respect, doesn't mean that others will see the new you immediately. It may take time for your actions to influence the response of other to your new behavior. 

It will take time for your friends to see the changes in you, so that doesn't mean you throw-up your hands and declare I quit. If you priority is weight loss from eating properly, a healthier body from exercising or acknowledgement from you boss that your newfound determination at work is appreciated, time and perseverance are key to success. While you may want to ignore past causes that effect your today, it is important to remember you are where you are in your life because of your past actions. As you move forward, hold fast to the knowledge that you are creating a happier, healthier and more successful tomorrow through you actions today. 

Week 22 Assignment: This week make two lists. The first is of actions you took in the past that brought you to a positive place today. The second list is of past actions that lead you to a negative place.

 

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May
13

Mothers, Memories and Food: Savoring The Past

by Christine


{Mom's Coconut Pound Cake}

A coveted belonging of my mother's was her recipe box. During the last years of her life, my mom misplaced it and we thought it was gone forever. My sister and I were delighted to find it when we were cleaning out the garage...why it was there, neither one of us could figure out but we were pleased to have the treasure trove that held all the favorite family recipes. The "box" is not made of some oil rubbed wood but of plastic and it is Smurf blue. The recipe box was jammed packed with recipe cards, newspaper clippings and random bits of paper. 

I volunteered to organize the contents of the box and give copies of the recipes to anyone in the family who wanted them. Surprisingly, the task was more complicated than I thought. Apparently, mom was the kind of cook that only needed a mental trigger, not a full-blown recipe. Yes, there were some fully flushed out recipe cards but mainly it was bits of paper with a list of ingredients and a notes on lessons learned about preparing the dish.

Mom was a true Southern cook who early in life used Crisco to fry chicken or okra and real butter to make mashed potatoes. Mom and Dad's diet changed over the decades as they moved away from fried foods and rich desserts to healthier choices. The blue recipe box followed the timeline of their culinary journey. Fat laden dips gave way to Weight Watcher's inspired substitutes while the sugar infused Strawberry Cake was replaced with sugar free Jell-O parfaits made with fat free Cool Whip. 

I am now on the hunt for the perfect pound cake and I started by looking in my mom's recipe box. Her Coconut Pound Cake jumped out at me...it is not a healthy choice by definition. Butter, sugar and white flour are its main ingredients and it is delicious. The smell of the baking pound cake brought back many memories of meals and good times with my family particularly at holidays. I have included it in this post so you can decide for yourself. 

Hugs,
C

Mom's Coconut Pound Cake

Ingredients:
3 sticks of butter or margarine
3 cups of sugar
6 eggs
3 cups of plain flour
8 oz of sour cream 
1/4 teaspoon of salt
1/4 teaspoon of soda
1 package of coconut
1 teaspoon of vanilla

Directions:

Preheat oven to 300 degrees
Grease and flour tube or Bundt pan

1. Sift flour, salt and soda together and set aside.
2. Using a mixer, cream butter sugar well.
3. Add eggs one at a time, mixing well after each egg.
4. Beat in sour cream completely.
5. Mix dry and wet ingredients together.
6. Add vanilla and mix well.
7. Fold in coconut.
8. Pour into tube pan and bake 1 hour or until done. 
9. Take out of the oven and cool for 15 minutes. 
10. Remove from pan and finish cooling. 

**To avoid cake failures, bring eggs and butter to room temperature.
***I found that this cake took 90 minutes to bake. 

 

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May
03

Can You Have Too Many Choices In Life?

by Christine

Like many people in the United States, I went through an Ayn Rand period. I read everything she wrote and to this day consider The Fountainhead one of my favorite books. Yes, others may consider Atlas Shrugged her masterpiece but I contend that one of the most romantic literary heroes ever penned was Howard Roark. Who wouldn't want to emulate him...the morally centered artistic genius?  

But there is one Ayn Rand story that has stayed with me since first reading it. It was a personal story. Ayn told the story of her sister, Nora, who unlike Ayn struggled with all the choices to be made daily in the US. Nora had spent her life in the Soviet Union and had very few choices both politically and personally. In the middle of her visit to the United States, Nora decided to return to the Soviet Union after becoming overwhelmed during an encounter with a grocery clerk on the toothpaste isle.  Nora couldn't decide and worst yet, the clerk wouldn't tell Nora which toothpaste to purchase. Nora was done, that was one too many choices so she packed up and went back to the Soviet Union.

What happens to people when choices become unlimited? I don't mean pie-in-the-sky dreams I mean real choices. Do you retire or do you continue to work? Do you do volunteer work and if so, what will be your cause? If you can live any place, how do you choose? Do you create a fantastic rose garden in your backyard or put in a swimming pool? Do you eat out tonight or cook at home? How do you decided? 

Choice can be overwhelming. As a grandmother, I find myself not only watching my grandchildren but also other people's children.  And I can tell you, the children I see are being overwhelmed by all the choices they are being asked to make, everyday, all day. Do you want to go with mommy to the store or stay here with Daddy? Do you want cereal for breakfast or do you want oatmeal? Do you want a snack now or do you want to just have some juice? By the end of the day, I understand why so many children have a melt down...they just don't want to make one more decision. The art of decision-making is a learned skill and I believe at times we are asking too much of our children. 

I am not advocating a totalitarian lock down of choice in our world. Living in the United States is a gift and I am grateful to be a citizen of this country. But I am acknowledging that infinite choice has the potential to paralyze thinking and action. Decision-making becomes easier if your moral and ethical compass is in place and you are intentional in your decision making process. I believe if you take the time to align your choices with who you are, the happier you will be. 

Hugs,
C

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Apr
29

How Do You Know It's Really Spring?

by Christine

For months I have eagerly waited for spring because I wanted to share the beauty of this tulip garden with you. In April and May it is a fantastical nook of color and fanciful clusters of tulips, tucked between two building on 89th Street. It is also my official bellwether for spring. When the tulips bloom in the West Side Community Garden, I know spring has officially arrived. The garden is designed and cared for by volunteer gardeners and artist; this garden is a true work of art.



 I always thought tulips were native to Holland but they are native to the Middle East and Central Asia. The introduction of the tulip to Holland started in the Seventeenth Century where the Dutch immediately fell in love with the flower causing an outbreak of "tulip mania". Some really smart Dutchman sold them far and wide to other tulip lovers and today, I and others believe spring is not complete without tulips. I am sure one of the reasons the tulip is so beloved here in New York City is that the Dutch established New Amsterdam...now called New York City. But enough of the history lesson...tulips are about creating and enjoying a sensory feast. 

What flowers mean spring to you? Or is there something else that says spring to you?

Hugs,
C

 

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Apr
26

What Do Our Shoes Say About Us?

by Christine


{My worn, paint splattered OOGOS}

The first winter I moved to the house at the Lake in New York, I headed to the car one icy winter morning in a pair of high heels. I got half way to the  car when I started to slip and slide over our stone walkway. From a distance I am sure I was an amusing sight as I mimicked a rubber legged ice skater trying to make her way to the side of an ice skating rink without falling down. Ultimately, I took off my shoes and walked to the car in my stocking feet. That was the last time I wore high heels in the winter. 

That wintry morning was the beginning of my journey towards what others would call more sensible shoes. I love high heels for many reasons. I am tall but heels make me taller. High heels can be cute or sexy depending on my mood and they definitely make any outfit dressier. For most of my adult life, I wouldn't leave the house in anything other than a pair of heels. And then my big Ice Capades moment made me rethink my shoe wear. 

I discovered that once my flat winter boots were put to the back of the closet, I did not want to put back on a pair of heels. I had experienced the comfort of flat shoes. Today I am skeptical of any woman who tells me that heels don't hurt her feet at some point during the day. I can identify the "these shoes are killing me" shuffle in 3 seconds and at a distance of 50 feet. When I was younger I was willing to sacrifice comfort in the name of fashion, now I am looking for fashion that is comfortable. 

A couple of years ago, I had a flair up of plantar fasciitis. For those of you who may not be familiar with this painful foot ailment, it requires the wearing of shoes at all times even at home. Before getting out of bed each morning I would lace up my tennis shoes to walk downstairs. Yes, PF is painful to the point that I was willing to look goofy first thing in the morning. But then I discovered what I thought to be a stylish pair of hot pink flip flops just for PF suffers on a website called FootSmart. From the moment I put them on, I was in like.

Not long after I purchased my OOFOS, I was modeling them for my children when my son asked what does OOFOS mean. I said I didn't know but I thought it was Swedish. Don't ask me why I thought that. I may of read it somewhere or just made it up in my mind. Anyway at that point my daughter piped up and said, "It is Swedish for flip flops for people over 50." We all had a good laugh but it also started me thinking. 

I think our shoes reveal a lot about us. My closet now houses a variety of shoes from running shoes to hiking boots to pink OOFOS. My flat, black dressy shoes sparkle and my sandals are shades of pink, green or turquoise. My activities no longer revolve around work and a pair of high heels. The shoes in my closet now reflect my varied activities that involve more than work and the have-tos of life.  What is in your closet? Do your shoes reveal the kind of life you are living? Do your shoes reflect who your are?

 

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Apr
24

Intentional Living Series Week Twenty Two: One Thing At A Time

by Christine

"Often he who does too much does too little." ~Italian Proverb

In week 21 I wrote about how to energize your decision making process through physical activity when overcoming Cognitive Gridlock. In week 21, I will discuss the benefit of "doing one thing at a time". 

What does it mean to do one thing at a time?  We witnessed the concept in action last week in Boston. After the Monday afternoon bombings at the Boston Marathon, the entire City moved in unison to accomplish a single priority; apprehend the person or persons that bombed the race. On Friday, when law enforcement asked the citizens of Boston to stay away from the Boston Metro area of Watertown because authorities believed the killer was in hiding there, they did so. When the residents of Watertown were voluntarily asked to stay indoors to help facilitate the search, they did so. When Law enforcement from multiple agencies at the Federal, State and Local level needed to search the entire community on foot and using costly high-tech resources to search out the killer, they did so. No one mentioned money, time, manpower or the will to accomplish the goal. Apprehending the bomber was the priority and everything else in Boston could wait until he was in custody. Talk about one thing at a time!  Boston was on a mission and there was no obstacle they couldn't overcome to catch this guy. 

I know what happened in Boston is an extreme example but how many of your life priorities are watered down because you don't focus on one activity at a time? Do you hide behind the false concept of multitasking? The process by which, you take double the time to complete multiple tasks in a mediocre fashion. To accomplish important work and isn't your life important, takes focusing on one thing at a time. Achievement, happiness or distinction don't come to those who work at life half-heartedly, it comes to those that embrace their life, their priorities. Today is the day to commit to doing one thing at a time so that you can do it well. 

Week 22 Assignment: This week practice doing one thing at a time. Consciously take the time to accomplish a task without interruption. 

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Apr
19

TV: Garbage In Garbage Out?

by Christine

I love TV.  I have since I was a little kid when my brother and I woke up early Saturday mornings to watch the test pattern. We were glued to the TV until noon as Sky King, Hopalong Cassidy and Have Gun Will Travel entertained us and taught us life lessons while our parents slept. After college I became a Switcher for our local ABC affiliate station. A Switcher was the person who physically pushed the button that put slides, film or video live on the air. Today it is done digitally; that is why you see so few errors now. I worked the day shift for a couple of years and got hooked on ABC's lineup of Soap Operas. For decades afterwards, I could keep up with the characters on All My Children, One Life-To-Live and General Hospital by catching an occasional promo for the show.

I share these memories with you so you will know that I am not one of those who holds the medium in disdain, I am a fan. TV was a portal to other worlds whether it was the land of make believe or Wild Kingdom where Jim Folwer wrestled alligators. Sadly, television programming has evolved or maybe I should say spiraled down into the darkness that lurks in the back of some men's mind. Before I go much further I will concede that there is some programming to be found on TV that does not fall into the categories I am setting out but for the most part, TV is about the following subject matter.

Murder: Murder abounds on TV. You don't want to be married any more, murder is the solution. Your dear old fabulously wealthy mother is not dying soon enough and you want your inheritance now, why not murder her? The sinister Columbian drug dealer has the run of the City, yep, the answer is murder. Murder as a solution is high on the list of character exploration in TV. 

Betrayal: Your father was wrongly accused of the crime? Why work within the system and receive public and private vindication when you can get revenge by destroying the lives of those who wronged your father. Or better yet, watch "reality" TV, as members of a group look one another in the eyes as they stab each other in the back. Betrayal at the core level is viewed as an acceptable tool in life on TV.

Killers, Sociopaths and Crime Lords: It started on HBO with the Sopranos. Viewers watch as Tony sat in his therapist office and talked about his mother and his business. Everyone can relate and soon the cruelty and degradation that were the tools of his profession were just another day at the office. Now TV celebrates the likes of Dexter as it shows you the "human side" of these monsters. 

I believe that a steady diet of murder, betrayal and killers, Sociopath and Crime Lords delivers its own set of life lessons that arm wrestles with our moral compass. After a while, viewers start to feel that the world is an evil place. Or worse yet, evil behavior can't be held legally accountable because they are just like you and me and need our understanding. In our house, we have started to intentionally make viewing choices. We no longer sit down in front of the TV to "see" what is on and watch the best of the worst. Television with all its hundreds of channels can enhance or degrade but it is up to us to choose which one we will embrace. 

Hugs,
C

 

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Apr
17

What Will Your Reaction Be To The Terrorist?

by Christine


{Fans along the route of the New York City Marathon}

Malaise...that is the word that comes to mind as I have lived through the days and hours since the Boston Marathon Bombings. Malaise as defined by the Free Merriam Webster Dictionary means "a vague sense of mental or moral ill-being". The sadness that I feel for the victims and their families is coupled with the disbelief that another human being can build, place and explode a bomb at the feet of hundreds of people. I recognize that the individual or individuals who can carry out violent acts are morally bankrupted. But logic doesn't mitigate the general malaise that I feel knowing that such people exist. 

The challenge for me and I believe our country is to protect oneself from the people who would harm us without becoming fearful. When I was in high school and college, my friends and I  would discuss "how cool it would be to live in a commune together". Today I have to resist the urge to gather up those I love and move everyone into a new kind of commune; a commune started out of fear not out of a youthful enthusiasm for homegrown vegetables, affection and community. I know a fear-based life is not living, it is just surviving. 

What do we do now? Psychologists tell us that we are happier and feel more secure in life if we have some control over our life. How do we wrestle control back from the murders that maliciously kill and terrorize civilized people? I believe we take action. I am not talking about grand gestures but everyday kindnesses. Donate blood in an emergency, send words of encourage to not only the victims and their families but to the first responders, law enforcement, the investigator and the district attorneys that work on our behalf. If you are able donate money to a victims fund to help with the rebuilding of their life then do so. But I believe it goes beyond the immediate tragedy. Now is the time to be kind. Speak kindly to those you encounter. Use your words as a salve for the wounds inflected on other by life.  Lovingly touch the lives of those closest to you, your family, your friends and your local community. 

Martin Luther King, Jr. who's home was bombed in 1956 in Montgomery, Alabama said, "Darkness cannot drive out darkness; only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate; only love can do that." We control how we will respond to those who would terrorize us. I believe through thoughtful words and kindness towards others, we will bring light to the darkness and love to the world. 

Be safe,
C

 

 

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